Monday, December 27, 2021
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I love all of my family so much, and I am glad that we have each other for support during this terrible loss.
Grandma was our glue, she brought us all together. She was kind, and nurturing. There wasn't a bad bone in her body. She lived for us, her family. Everything she did was because she loved us. She protected us fiercely, guided us in our youths, showed us how to love and live.
Grandma had the best sense of humor, we were always laughing together. We all know it was impossible to hear Grandma laugh and not laugh with her.
She told me over ten years ago now that when she died, she wanted a recording of her laughing put in her casket. At first I was genuinely perplexed by it, I said, "Grandma, why would you want that?" she told me, so that when everyone goes to walk in a line past her, they'll hear her laughing and they'll have to laugh too. That way they can't be sad.
Of course we won't really do that, but Grandma didn't want any of us to be sad... It's only natural that we will be anyways, but sometimes I think of her laughing and instead of hurting, my heart feels warm. I want to remember her always as the silly worry wart who hovered and always laughed at her own jokes. I swear she giggled about that for a solid 5 minutes. I brought it up to her earlier this year, and she laughed for another 5 minutes telling me she really wanted that. She only ever wanted for us to be happy. We all cherished her so much, relied on her so much. Even when I lived far away for years, every once in a while when my heart felt heavy I knew I could pick up the phone and ring Grandma for a nice chat. I always felt better afterward. She cared so deeply for each of us, and always made sure that we knew it.
There was so much I wanted to say to her, as I stood by her bedside. I know she knows everything there was for me to say. I held her hand and said it with my heart, because my mouth wouldn't move.
As we heal from this loss, I hope we are able to find ways to celebrate the life she lived. The memories she gave us, the lessons she taught us.
I often feel angry with myself because of my poor memory. I know there are so many moments I spent laughing, and chatting with my sweet little grandma, but I can't remember what about. What is important, I suppose, is that I remember the feeling. The joy, the love, the safety, the comfort.
I hope that someday I can be half the woman that she was.
Her loving Grand-daughter,
Samantha
